KERWIN MUST ENROLL IN FINITE MATH PENDING INVESTIGATION

Cornelius M. Kerwin

TENLEYTOWN - President Cornelius Kerwin is under investigation for failing to fulfill his mathematics requirement while enrolled as a student at The American University. The Chairman of the Board of Trustees Audit Committee, Thurston Fox, confirmed that an inquiry into the matter is indeed underway and that it will be conducted in a fair and balanced way. In the absence of a positive finding by the Board, Kerwin will be required to enroll in Finite Mathematics and earn a grade of C or better.

Under condition of anonymity, a senior official in the Department of Mathematics and Statistics with reddish hair and a beard has informed the Discrete Observer that President Kerwin has previously taken Finite Mathematics but that he only earned a grade of D. Math and Statistics Chairman Jeffrey Hakim, a contributor to the Kerwin campaign, would not confirm these reports stating only that D is a variable which frequently is greater than or equal to C.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The above article contains no actual facts and does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of the Discrete Observer, at least that is what President Kerwin's lawyers insist that we say. The president himself adds "I actually did well in Finite, but even better in law, especially the sections on libel."