Office of Campus Life

AU Student Life!
An E-newsletter for American University students
produced by the Counseling Center
www.american.edu/counseling

March, 2008
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Contents

1. Developing healthy dating relationships

2. Be well! Great ways to enhance your psychological health

3. Dear Cyberdoc: Coping with grief and loss

4. You can quote me on that!

5. Frequently asked questions about the Counseling Center

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Part 1: "Developing healthy dating relationships "

Healthy relationships allow for individuality, bring out the best in both people, and invite personal growth.

Getting Close
Developing meaningful relationships is a concern for all of us. Getting close to others, sharing our joys, sorrows, needs, wants,
affections, and excitements involves risks. What is it that interferes with us getting close to each other?
Often it is one or more of these common fears:

Fear of becoming known as we really are.
Opening ourselves to others and their reactions is not only difficult for us, but is puts a demand on others to be likewise.

Fear of pain and disappointment.
Mass media and advertisers have tried to convince us that we should be 100% happy 24 hours a day. Hurt, pain, disappointment, and loneliness
are not comfortable feelings, but they are human. Without the risk of experiencing them, one can never experience loving and being loved.

Fear of losing our freedom.
Can I risk giving up some of mine to care about you without you wanting to take it all away? Can I be both close and separate with you?

Fear of being a taker as well as a giver.
It is difficult for most of us to receive, yet if we don't, no one can experience the joy of giving to us.

Fear of judgment.
People may be reluctant to disclose things about themselves because they anticipate they may be judged critically by others.

Fear that showing love and affection is not proper.
Somehow we have been convinced that this is a sign of weakness rather than a sign of courage.

Rewards For Conquering Our Fears of Getting Close
If we learn to communicate effectively with others and are willing to risk sharing our own feelings and respect other's feelings,
many rewards will await us as we learn to get close to another person.

Obviously, a very special relationship. Getting close means you can need someone else and he/she can need you.
It means that when you feel discouraged or upset, someone is there to comfort and care about you, and you can do likewise.

You acquire faith in yourself, faith in others, and an ability to be faithful to others.
It enables you to live fully in the present and to have meaning and purpose for your own existence.

You become more sensitive to yourself, with choices about how, when, and where you wish to share your feelings.
You know when you are experiencing love, joy, anger, etc.

The Art of Communication
When people are asked what the most important ingredients in a relationship are, communication almost always is on the list. Yet we rarely are taught how to communicate effectively. Communication with others involves expressing ourselves and responding to someone else. Yet the methods for doing each are quite different.

Expressing Ourselves
When you are stating an opinion, making an observation, or expressing a feeling, the most appropriate format to use is called an "I-statement." You may even hopefully be already using them.

I-statements allow us to state things in positive terms, to express ourselves directly and honestly, and to take responsibility for what we think, feel, and need while avoiding blaming or accusing others. In contrast, "You-statements" blame the other person, put him/her on the defensive, and often cause communication to be blocked. To simplify things, we can use a kind of "formula" for I-statements:

"I feel/think/want (express the feeling/thought/desire)... when (state the behavior causing it)... because (identify the reason)..."
The nice thing about this formula is that you can decide how much of it you want to use. It can be just the first one, or the first two lines, or all three.

Responding to Others
When others express themselves, it is not as appropriate to use I-statements when responding. A more effective technique is called "reflection."
Reflection is saying back, in your own words, the content and/or feeling of what the other person just said.
Reflection does not question, challenge, argue, approve, or disapprove. We can use an even simpler formula for Reflection:
"It sounds like you're feeling/thinking/wanting (express the emotion, thought, desire you hear)... because (state the reason you heard for it)..."
Reflection requires us to listen very carefully to what the other person is actually saying. Yet you also do not have to be correct in
identifying the emotion or reason you hear because the speaker will clarify it for us (and sometimes for him/herself in the process).

Fighting Fairly
A major stumbling block in any relationship is settling disagreements, which can sometimes reduce to emotional shouting matches
rather than caring problem-solving. Basic ground rules for effectively facing conflict in a relationship include:
Maintain a spirit of good will - remember: you care about this person.
Avoid attacking one another - discuss behavior, not personalities.
Share your feelings - explore and discuss them.
Focus on the present - past disappointments cannot be changed. Concentrate on the here and now.

Specific Techniques
Choose a time to have the discussion - make it an appointment. Avoid those times when either of you are tired, sick, or under pressure.
Be specific: take time to reflect on what you are upset about and focus on specific actions, feelings, and attitudes.
Listen carefully. Allow each person uninterrupted time to explain his/her viewpoint.
Work on one issue at a time. Decide what is the uppermost concern and discuss it.
Ask for reasonable change. Determine what you really want from the person, then ask yourself if it is realistic and authentic.
Give the person a chance to correct the situation.
Try to accept: be open to the other person's feelings and accept them without being judgmental.
Be willing to compromise: avoid trying to win. Try to find a solution that is satisfying for you both.
Realize the need to accept an incomplete resolution of a conflict. At times, completely resolving an issue at once is impossible.
If you have extreme difficulty expressing your feelings, try writing them down in a note or letter.
After the discussion is over, express your appreciation for the other's listening to and discussing the issue with you. Reaffirm your respect and affection for each other. Finish on a positive note.

Source: University of Wisconsin Eau-Claire Counseling Services.

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Part 2: Be well! Great ways to enhance your psychological health

How to Help a Friend Who's Been Sexually Assaulted

Tuesday, March 18 at noon, MGC 245

Offered by the Counseling Center and Wellness Center

Online mental health screenings

Drink so much that you forget what happens? Starving yourself to lose weight? Feeling on edge or anxious? Concerned that you may be depressed?
A free, confidential, anonymous online assessment is available through the Counseling Center website at www.american.edu/counseling.
Topics include eating disorders, depression, alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder.
Confidential conversations with a professional counselor are also available. Contact the Counseling Center, MGC 214, x3500.

A free, confidential, anonymous online assessment is available through the Counseling Center website at
www.american.edu/counseling.

Topics include depression, alcohol, anxiety, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder.
Confidential conversations with a professional counselor are also available.
Contact the Counseling Center, MGC 214, x3500.

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Part 3: Dear Cyberdoc: Coping with grief and loss

Dear Cyberdoc,

A few weeks ago I learned that one of my high school friends was killed in a car accident. The last time I saw him was during the past semester break. Sometimes I’m very upset about it, but most of the time it doesn’t seem real at all. I’m afraid that I’ll be very upset when I’m back at home for the summer, which is when I would have seen him again. Are these reactions normal? What can I do?

- Grieving

Dear Grieving,

The death of a loved one is one of the most severe traumas we can encounter, and the sense of loss and grief that follows is a natural and important part of life. It is not a sign of weakness, but rather a healthy and fitting response - a tribute to one loved and lost to death.

Grief occurs in response to the loss of someone or something. The loss may involve a loved one, a job, or possibly a role (such as being a student who is graduating and entering the workplace). Anyone can experience grief and loss. It can be sudden or expected; however, individuals are unique in how they experience this event. Grief, itself, is a normal and natural response to loss. There are a variety of ways that individuals respond to loss. Some are healthy coping mechanisms, and some may hinder the grieving process. It is important to realize that acknowledging the grief promotes the healing process. Time and support facilitate the grieving process, allowing an opportunity to appropriately mourn this loss.

Individuals experiencing grief from a loss may express their reactions in a variety of ways. No two people will respond to the same loss in the same way. Experiencing and accepting all feelings remains an important part of the healing process.

Some factors that may hinder the healing process include avoidance or minimization of one’s emotions, use of alcohol or drugs to self-medicate, and use of work to avoid feelings.

In order to help work through feelings of grief, it can be beneficial to allow yourself time to experience thoughts and feelings openly. Acknowledge and accept all your feelings, both positive and negative. You may want to use a journal to write about the loss and the healing process. It may be helpful to talk to friends and family members about how you are feeling and thoughts about what it might be like to be at home this summer.

If you find it too difficult to move through the feelings of grief on your own or with the help of family and friends, you may want to consult a professional who can help you resolve some issues of grief in a safe, confidential setting.

Check out the Counseling Center website at www.american.edu/counseling for additional resources or visit our Self-Help Center in 214 MGC. If you are interested in seeking counseling services, contact the Counseling Center at 885-3500 to schedule a free and confidential appointment with a counselor.

Adapted from “Coping with Death, Grief, and Loss”, available at www.uiowa.edu/~ucs/griefloss.html.

Submit your questions for "Dear Cyberdoc" to bowers@american.edu. Your identity is confidential, and if your question is selected for this newsletter it will be posted without your name attached. If you'd like a personal response or if your concern is in any way urgent, don't write to “Dear Cyberdoc”! Instead, call x3500 to arrange to speak with a counselor.

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Part 4: You can quote me on that!

“We must not wish for the disappearance of our troubles

but for the grace to transform them.”

- Simone Weil

" All sorrows can be borne if you tell a story about them.”
- Karen Blixen

" Always be on the lookout for the presence of wonder.”
- E.B. White: Charlotte's Web

" The gardener uses both roses in the flowerbed and thorns in making fences.”
- Hazrat Inayat Khan: Gayan

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Part 5: Frequently asked questions about the Counseling Center

- What exactly does the Counseling Center (CC) do?
Students come to the CC for help in dealing with all kinds of concerns, from relationship issues to depression or anxiety, and everything in
between and beyond. We offer confidential individual and group counseling, crisis intervention, resources, referrals, consultations,
and workshops, among other things. For more information, check out our website and self-help web links at www.american.edu/counseling.

- Am I eligible for services and how much does it cost?
Any AU student, including you, can make an initial appointment with a counselor, join a group, use the self-help library,
or attend a workshop. There is no charge. Ongoing counseling is available on campus (limited to full-time students) and off-campus
(for part-time students or students who need more immediate or specialized services than are available at the Center).
Whatever your concerns, a CC counselor can help you connect with appropriate resources and supports.

- How do I make an appointment to talk with a counselor?
To make an appointment, call (202) 885-3500 or stop by Mary Graydon Center 214.

-How do I submit a comment to "AU Student Life!" or a question to "Dear Cyberdoc?"
We welcome your feedback. If you have questions or comments about “AU Student Life!”, or would like to submit a question to
the "Dear Cyberdoc" advice section, please submit them to bowers@american.edu. Please do NOT contact “AU Student Life!”
if you'd like an individual response to your comment or question. Instead, call x3500 to arrange to speak with a CC counselor.
The current year's issues of “AU Student Life!” are archived on the website at www.american.edu/counseling.

REALITY CHECK: The material in this newsletter in no way substitutes for professional counseling.
If you would like to speak with a counselor, please contact the Counseling Center at (202) 885-3500.